have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why are your pants in the freezer?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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