I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
