if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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