I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
