You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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