The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
