my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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