Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
