dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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