I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
