Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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