Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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