my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
