Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just pee around me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
