I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
