I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
