Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
