so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
