My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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