Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
