I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
