I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
