I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
