I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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