I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
