But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I supernannyed him into submission
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
