new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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