Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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