Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
