My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
