Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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