Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
