In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
