i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
