I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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