I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
