Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
