nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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