Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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