He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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