I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
