Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
