kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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