I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
