apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
