I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
