I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
