Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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