i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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