Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
