I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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