So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I FOUND THE LEGS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
