I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
