I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
