That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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