There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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